{"id":397,"date":"2013-10-23T13:40:11","date_gmt":"2013-10-23T13:40:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/?page_id=397"},"modified":"2013-10-23T13:40:11","modified_gmt":"2013-10-23T13:40:11","slug":"transforming-resentment","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/transforming-resentment\/","title":{"rendered":"Transforming Resentment"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\nResentment is a terrible poison in relationships.\u00a0 And it is incredibly common.\u00a0 Advice on how to deal with it is often along the lines of notice it, breathe deeply, and let it go.\u00a0 However resentment shows up when we feel like we\u2019ve hit a dead-end and it may not be that easy to just let it go.<\/p>\n

Resentment is irritation or anger transformed by our experience of feeling disempowered, victimized, or ineffective.\u00a0 In such cases all our energy mobilized by anger about an unfair or hurtful situation or person isn\u2019t being channeled constructively and so becomes resentment.<\/p>\n

For our discussion let\u2019s consider a possible example.\u00a0 Perhaps in my relationship with my partner I feel like I can\u2019t spend time with friends without my partner.\u00a0 If I do, my partner gets hurt and angry because of feeling abandoned.\u00a0 Or perhaps I\u2019m simply expecting doing something with others will cause conflict and I avoid that at all costs.\u00a0 In either case what could be considered healthy, natural anger at being defined or constrained, I experience as wrong or hurtful and as a result I override and stuff it.\u00a0 The combination of not addressing the situation and feeling like I can\u2019t do anything about it results in resentment.<\/p>\n

I may believe I\u2019m a victim, that my partner is controlling.\u00a0 I may believe there\u2019s no way to change my partner, that I have no right to have my own needs, or that I can only be safe if I avoid conflict.\u00a0 And so I seethe with resentment, which can take on a life of it\u2019s own.\u00a0 We\u2019re probably all familiar with the fall-out of resentment.\u00a0 People who withdraw into numbing addictions, are depressed, have anger management problems, or are contemptuous or passive aggressive are often reacting from underlying resentment.<\/p>\n

So what\u2019s the alternative?\u00a0 How can anger be recognized as a valid response and be channeled constructively?\u00a0 If we consider the sequence that leads to resentment in our example, we see that feeling angry happens naturally to my belief that I can\u2019t spend time with friends.\u00a0 However, very quickly and maybe even outside my awareness, I step into being disempowered, whether from fear of my partner\u2019s response, fear of my anger, or because I\u2019ve been trained to shutdown.<\/p>\n

Being able to recognize I\u2019m angry is a first critical step.\u00a0 Without that recognition I am truly disempowered.\u00a0 The anger alerts me that there\u2019s something not right that needs attention.\u00a0 Many of us have been taught that anger is bad or scary and we avoid it at all costs.\u00a0 If that\u2019s my case, I may need help with learning to feel anger, building my tolerance for feeling it, and coming to know that I don\u2019t have to be hijacked by it.\u00a0 Then I can truly use it to inform my choices.<\/p>\n

Next, the step into being disempowered is a pivotal point.\u00a0 If, instead of going there reflexively, I recognize that I can effectively address situations that are hurtful or not supportive, I don\u2019t need to feel resentful. I can use the energy mobilized by anger to make some changes.<\/p>\n

In our example necessary changes might look like a couple of different things.\u00a0 The first thing I may want to do is to examine my assumptions.\u00a0 I may be angry because I believe certain things about my partner \u2013 he or she is controlling or clingy and doesn\u2019t care about me, or that I don\u2019t matter.\u00a0 If upon examining I find those beliefs aren\u2019t true, I may see the situation completely differently, in a way where I can have compassion or understanding for my partner rather than being angry.\u00a0 Sometimes our beliefs create our own distress.<\/p>\n

If my beliefs or assumptions aren\u2019t the problem, I don\u2019t have to hit another dead-end.\u00a0 When I recognize that I can address the situation directly with my partner, that it\u2019s okay for me to have needs that conflict with theirs, and that conflict is healthy, I can have a conversation with my partner. Channeling my anger constructively to have that conversation does not include blaming or attacking.\u00a0 It is using the anger to recognize there\u2019s a problem for me and to find the courage to talk about it. It\u2019s about honoring my needs while acknowledging what is going on for my partner, and finding an arrangement that supports both of us. Again I may need help resolving things from my past experiences to get to a place where I\u2019m able to have such a conversation.<\/p>\n

So what about those times when my partner can\u2019t or isn\u2019t willing to agree to changes to support me?\u00a0 I still don\u2019t have to hit a dead-end.\u00a0 My anger can still be channeled constructively so I don\u2019t have to go into despair and\/or resentment. One way for me to see possibilities is to ask myself \u201chow can I be okay even though my partner or the situation won\u2019t change?\u201d\u00a0 In response to that question I may find that I willingly choose to make my own sacrifices to support my partner.\u00a0 This choice transforms resentment because it\u2019s freely made.<\/p>\n

However, the answer that arises to that question may be more difficult.\u00a0 I may decide that I need to make changes even though the changes are not supported by my partner, or I may decide I need to move on from the relationship.\u00a0 In these cases my anger channeled constructively will help me through the difficult, painful, or scary process.<\/p>\n

As you can see, moving out of resentment can be a combination of addressing our own default responses that make us feel ineffective or disempowered and addressing the people and situations in our lives.\u00a0 It is possible for each of us to work through our past experiences and to work with the people\/situations so we can respond differently to those things we feel resentful about.\u00a0 I have training and experience in working in targeted ways to help with making such changes.\u00a0 If you\u2019d like to explore transforming your resentments, and I can be of help, let me know.\u00a0 You can reach me at 720-363-5538 or at\u00a0www.hlcounseling.com<\/a><\/p>\n

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Resentment is a terrible poison in relationships.\u00a0 And it is incredibly common.\u00a0 Advice on how to deal with it is often along the lines of notice it, breathe deeply, and let it go.\u00a0 However resentment shows up when we feel like we\u2019ve hit a dead-end and it may not be that<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":38,"menu_order":1,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-397","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"yoast_head":"\nIndividual and Relationship Counseling for Healing and Growth<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Psychotherapy and counseling in Denver for individuals and couples having marriage, relationship, and emotional struggles such as depression, anger, or anxiety.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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