For many of us Valentine\u2019s Day highlights whatever ambivalence or mixed feelings we have about our romantic relationship.\u00a0 This is partially due to Valentine\u2019s Day being an artificial construct that creates an unrealistic yardstick for all relationships.\u00a0 Relationships have a developmental life that begins in intense romantic love but then grows into more mature love that recognizes and accepts our partner\u2019s foibles as well as our own.\u00a0 Relationships also have normal moment-to-moment and day-to-day cycles that move from closeness to distance, from harmony to conflict and back again.\u00a0 Experiencing your relationship\u2019s natural development and cycles doesn\u2019t suggest that your relationship is flawed or unhealthy.\u2028Being aware of and accepting the natural growth and ebb and flow of relationships may not be enough for you to feel wholly committed.\u00a0 How then do you confidently choose your relationship without resentment or fear?\u00a0 I think of 4 cornerstones to evaluate in choosing your relationship.<\/p>\n
\t1. The first cornerstone is whether you’re accountable for your role in the relationship dynamic.\u00a0 We all tend to think we’d be extremely happy if we could simply fix our partner’s issues, but have you looked honestly at your thinking, feelings, and behaviors that contribute to the problem areas in your relationship?\u00a0 Have you taken steps to learn different ways of reacting.\u00a0 This step enables you to make your choice in good conscience.<\/p>\n
\t2. The second cornerstone is to evaluate what are the relationship positives and negatives.\u00a0 Pia Mellody, therapist\/author, suggests a very specific and concrete assessment where you write down all the good things you receive from the relationship.\u00a0 To get a full picture add in all the negatives of the relationship and weight both the positives and negatives on a scale of 1 to 10.\u00a0 This step allows you to make an informed decision, as well as to acknowledge the shadow side of the relationship.<\/p>\n
\t3. The third cornerstone, suggested by therapist\/author Terry Real, is to evaluate your partner’s accountability.\u00a0 Like us, our partners have issues that contribute to the struggles in the relationship.\u00a0 It’s helpful to understand to what degree your partner is capable of and likely to acknowledge their issues, and take steps that will enable them to react and behave differently.\u00a0 This understanding takes “hope” out of the choice allowing you to choose with realistic expectations around whether life with your partner will change or stay the same.<\/p>\n
\t4. The fourth cornerstone, also compliments of Terry Real, is to assess how difficult your partner is to be around.\u00a0 If it’s too hurtful to spend time with your partner day in and out, the other considerations may not be powerful enough to compensate and vice versa.
\nAlthough it may feel terribly unromantic, considering these 4 cornerstones of your relationship will help you be clear on what your relationship means to you, and help you to relate to your partner and the relationship with constancy and integrity.\u00a0 This clarity will ultimately enable you to keep your relationship energized and romantic.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
For many of us Valentine\u2019s Day highlights whatever ambivalence or mixed feelings we have about our romantic relationship.\u00a0 This is partially due to Valentine\u2019s Day being an artificial construct that creates an unrealistic yardstick for all relationships.\u00a0 Relationships have a developmental life that begins in intense romantic love but then grows into more mature love<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":38,"menu_order":12,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"page.alpha.php","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-129","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"yoast_head":"\n