{"id":122,"date":"2012-02-27T23:06:49","date_gmt":"2012-02-27T23:06:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/?page_id=122"},"modified":"2012-03-06T22:10:57","modified_gmt":"2012-03-06T22:10:57","slug":"what-is-a-healthy-relationship","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/what-is-a-healthy-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"What is a Healthy Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Have you ever wondered whether you\u2019re in a healthy relationship or whether you would even be able to recognize a healthy relationship?\u00a0 I\u2019ve borrowed from the wisdom of many, but especially therapists\/authors Terry Real, Pia Mellody, David Richo, John Gottman, and Patricia Evans to identify 4 characteristics that serve as cornerstones of healthy and mature relationships.\u00a0 These characteristics are 1) Realistic expectations, 2) Valuing and respect, 3) Accountability, and 4) Genuine connection.<br \/>\n\u00a0<br \/>\nRealistic expectations cover each partner\u2019s expectations for the relationship as well as for themselves and their partners.\u00a0 Without realistic expectations you may experience confusion and ambivalence about your relationship.\u00a0\u00a0 Such ambivalence can cause swinging to emotional extremes, or to seesawing about being committed to a relationship.\u00a0 Below are examples of realistic expectations.<br \/>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>A relationship will not remain in the honeymoon phase forever.\u00a0 It is not possible for any long-term relationship to sustain the intense passion of early romances.<\/li>\n<li>Cycles of harmony, disharmony, and repair should be expected in any relationship.\u00a0 Disagreements, fights, and arguments will occur.<\/li>\n<li>One partner in one relationship cannot meet 100% of our needs and wants.\u00a0 Many needs\/wants can be met much of the time within a relationship, but none will be met all the time and some won\u2019t be met at all.<\/li>\n<li>\nEach partner is an imperfect human being and will make mistakes, have weaknesses, and react in response to their fears and vulnerabilities.<\/li>\n<li>You cannot provide unconditional love for your partner, nor can they provide it for you.<\/li>\n<li>Intimacy is not easy.\u00a0 It requires personal strength, practice, and vigilance.\u00a0 It can feel uncomfortable.<\/li>\n<li>\nProblems in the relationship do not mean that you must reject your partner.<\/li>\n<li>\nDisillusionment, betrayals and resultant grief are inevitable in any relationship.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>\u00a0<br \/>\nThe second cornerstone, Valuing and respect, includes valuing and respect for the relationship as well as for yourself and your partner as individuals within the relationship.\u00a0 In healthy relationships partners honor the relationship but also recognize that without honoring themselves and their partner as individuals the relationship cannot thrive.\u00a0 Below are some requirements of healthy valuing and respect in relationships.<br \/>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Each partner chooses \u201cus\u201d over \u201cme\u201d including letting go of needing to be right, feeling vindictive, and needing personal justice.<\/li>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<li>Partners focus on solutions to problems as part of a team.\u00a0 They have the ability to negotiate and compromise as well as to follow a reconciliation model rather than a retaliation model.\u00a0 Partners can forgive.<\/li>\n<li>Partners have the ability to respect and support the other\u2019s needs, wants, and dreams.<\/li>\n<li>\nThere is an absence of competitiveness between partners.\u00a0 Neither partner needs to have power over the other or be better than the other.<\/li>\n<li>Partners don\u2019t feel threatened by the other\u2019s independence or achievements.<\/li>\n<li>Partners have no need to manipulate, control, or demand changes of each other to be comfortable.<\/li>\n<li>Partners have no need for the other to think the same as they do on every topic.<\/li>\n<li>\nPartners are committed to working through problems as they arise.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>\u00a0<br \/>\nAccountability entails each partner being responsible for his or her own sensitivities, vulnerabilities, and transgressions, and taking ownership for their own healing and growth.\u00a0 It speaks directly about the idea that individuals need to be strong selves to be healthy within a relationship.\u00a0 Accountability includes challenges for many of us, such as:<br \/>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Partners don\u2019t rely on the other to feel worthwhile or for self-esteem.\u00a0 There are no demands for partners to revere each other at all times.<\/li>\n<li>Partners can recognize and own their needs and wants being met.\u00a0 There is no expectation that their partner will be a mind reader about wants, needs, or expectations.<\/li>\n<li>Partners are clear on and enforce their limits regarding what is offensive or intolerable to them.<\/li>\n<li>Partners are responsible for developing the ability to calm themselves back into a centered, grounded, mature state if triggered into an emotionally reactive state.\u00a0 Partners are accountable for behavior, words, and choices that occur while emotionally reactive.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>\u00a0<br \/>\nThe fourth cornerstone of a healthy relationship is genuine connection, which encompasses giving and receiving.\u00a0 Genuine connection arises from the personal strengths and abilities of each partner including:<br \/>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Partners can tolerate occasional offenses without rejecting the other or feeling diminished.\u00a0<\/li>\n<li>Partners don\u2019t confuse attachment with love, or dependency with connection.\u00a0 There is no terror of aloneness or abandonment.<\/li>\n<li>Partners don\u2019t experience closeness as smothering.<\/li>\n<li>Partners are emotionally able to give and receive.\u00a0 They are caregivers rather than caretakers.\u00a0 They can receive care rather than being needy or disconnected.<\/li>\n<li>Partners don\u2019t have mindsets arising from fear, anger or desire that distort reality and interfere with the ability to connect.<\/li>\n<li>Partners can tolerate the givens of intimacy including betrayal, hurt, love, confrontations, self-disclosure, and expressions of emotion.<\/li>\n<li>Partners experience enjoyment, admiration, fondness, and affection toward the other.<\/li>\n<p>\u00a0<\/ul>\n<p>No one can live up to everything covered in these four cornerstones all the time.\u00a0 However, if the majority of these characteristics are present in a relationship much of the time, it is an exceptionally healthy relationship.<br \/>\n\u00a0<br \/>\nIf you\u2019re interested in exploring how to improve your relationships, please call me for an initial consultation at 720-363-5538.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Have you ever wondered whether you\u2019re in a healthy relationship or whether you would even be able to recognize a healthy relationship?\u00a0 I\u2019ve borrowed from the wisdom of many, but especially therapists\/authors Terry Real, Pia Mellody, David Richo, John Gottman, and Patricia Evans to identify 4 characteristics that serve as cornerstones of healthy and mature<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":38,"menu_order":14,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"page.alpha.php","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-122","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Individual and Relationship Counseling for Healing and Growth<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Psychotherapy and counseling in Denver for individuals and couples having marriage, relationship, and emotional struggles such as depression, anger, or anxiety.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/what-is-a-healthy-relationship\/\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/what-is-a-healthy-relationship\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/what-is-a-healthy-relationship\/\",\"name\":\"Individual and Relationship Counseling for Healing and Growth\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2012-02-27T23:06:49+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2012-03-06T22:10:57+00:00\",\"description\":\"Psychotherapy and counseling in Denver for individuals and couples having marriage, relationship, and emotional struggles such as depression, anger, or anxiety.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/what-is-a-healthy-relationship\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/what-is-a-healthy-relationship\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/what-is-a-healthy-relationship\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Articles &#038; Newsletters\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":3,\"name\":\"What is a Healthy Relationship\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/\",\"name\":\"\",\"description\":\"Heather Leavesley, MA, MA, IFS Certified Practitioner\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Individual and Relationship Counseling for Healing and Growth","description":"Psychotherapy and counseling in Denver for individuals and couples having marriage, relationship, and emotional struggles such as depression, anger, or anxiety.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/what-is-a-healthy-relationship\/","twitter_misc":{"Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/what-is-a-healthy-relationship\/","url":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/what-is-a-healthy-relationship\/","name":"Individual and Relationship Counseling for Healing and Growth","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/#website"},"datePublished":"2012-02-27T23:06:49+00:00","dateModified":"2012-03-06T22:10:57+00:00","description":"Psychotherapy and counseling in Denver for individuals and couples having marriage, relationship, and emotional struggles such as depression, anger, or anxiety.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/what-is-a-healthy-relationship\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/what-is-a-healthy-relationship\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/what-is-a-healthy-relationship\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Articles &#038; Newsletters","item":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/articles\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"name":"What is a Healthy Relationship"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/","name":"","description":"Heather Leavesley, MA, MA, IFS Certified Practitioner","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/122","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=122"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/122\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":345,"href":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/122\/revisions\/345"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/38"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hlcounseling.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=122"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}