Romantic relationships, much like people, have a developmental lifecycle.\u00a0 We aren\u2019t often aware of where our relationships are in terms of their developmental stages, but being aware can be extremely helpful in interpreting the shifts in dynamics that occur over time between us and our partner.\u00a0<\/p>\n
In a sense it\u2019s true that relationships have a life of their own.\u00a0 Each developmental stage in the relationship has its own set of thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and developmental tasks.\u00a0 These relationship stages are analogous to childhood, adolescence, and adulthood in people\u2019s developmental lifecycle.<\/p>\n
The earliest, youngest stage of a relationship is an intensely romantic, passionate time.\u00a0 In this stage we feel so deeply connected that we become emotionally merged.\u00a0 During this stage, often called the honeymoon phase, we see our partners as being perfect and as completing us and saving us from experiencing old emotional wounds or pain.\u00a0 Likewise they believe that we\u2019re perfect and complete them.\u00a0 What could feel better than being with someone who thinks we\u2019re perfect in every way, especially if we haven\u2019t received that kind of unconditional adoration at any other time in our lives!?<\/p>\n
John Gottman, researcher and therapist who has studied couples for over 20 years, has found that couples who stay in touch with how they felt about each other during this honeymoon phase weather the inevitable relational storms better than couples who lose touch with their experience of this time.\u00a0 I think of the developmental task of young, romantic love as cementing the relationship and establishing a foundation that will support the relationship across the years.<\/p>\n
The second stage of relationships begins when we start to recognize that our partners are imperfect human beings and that they don\u2019t complete us or protect us from being emotionally hurt.\u00a0 In fact, they more often seem to target the very areas of emotional pain we expected them to save us from.\u00a0 At the same time they start to recognize that we\u2019re not perfect and seem to be irritated or angry with us about that.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The disillusionment of this stage can be very painful.\u00a0 It can be experienced as scary or as a betrayal or as a fall from grace.\u00a0 Often anger, bitterness, and resentment rule during this time.\u00a0 Couples can get stuck in this place or the relationship may not survive it at all.<\/p>\n
However, if you think of this stage as the adolescence for the relationship it can put the painful dynamics into perspective.\u00a0 Adolescence is a time to become a separate and independent individual.\u00a0 For a relationship to be strong, healthy, and functional it needs to be supportive of two separate, individuated people.\u00a0 When we give up significant parts of ourselves to the relationship, generally we suffer and as a result the relationship suffers.\u00a0 Thus, although becoming unmerged can feel excruciating at times, it is an important step in the evolution of the relationship.<\/p>\n
The third stage or adulthood in a relationship provides a structure that supports and nourishes 2 differentiated people.\u00a0 This requires that we be committed to our own as well as our partner\u2019s wholeness as individuals and that we be committed equally to the relationship.\u00a0 This stage can feel challenging around finding balance among the three entities \u2013 2 individuals and the relationship.\u00a0 It also requires a maturity around being able to own and manage our own emotional insecurities and reactivity.\u00a0 However, this phase is the most rewarding and is the time when we can be authentically connected while living with integrity to our true selves.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re struggling through these developmental stages or would like to explore more around what\u2019s going on in your relationship, I would love to help.\u00a0 You can contact me at 720-363-5538.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Romantic relationships, much like people, have a developmental lifecycle.\u00a0 We aren\u2019t often aware of where our relationships are in terms of their developmental stages, but being aware can be extremely helpful in interpreting the shifts in dynamics that occur over time between us and our partner.\u00a0<\/p>\n
In a sense it\u2019s true that relationships have a<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":38,"menu_order":10,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"page.alpha.php","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-113","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"yoast_head":"\n