Transforming Resentment

Resentment is a terrible poison in relationships.  And it is incredibly common.  Advice on how to deal with it is often along the lines of notice it, breathe deeply, and let it go.  However resentment shows up when we feel like we’ve hit a dead-end and it may not be that easy to just let it go.

Resentment is irritation or anger transformed by our experience of feeling disempowered, victimized, or ineffective.  In such cases all our energy mobilized by anger about an unfair or hurtful situation or person isn’t being channeled constructively and so becomes resentment.

For our discussion let’s consider a possible example.  Perhaps in my relationship with my partner I feel like I can’t spend time with friends without my partner.  If I do, my partner gets hurt and angry because of feeling abandoned.  Or perhaps I’m simply expecting doing something with others will cause conflict and I avoid that at all costs.  In either case what could be considered healthy, natural anger at being defined or constrained, I experience as wrong or hurtful and as a result I override and stuff it.  The combination of not addressing the situation and feeling like I can’t do anything about it results in resentment.

I may believe I’m a victim, that my partner is controlling.  I may believe there’s no way to change my partner, that I have no right to have my own needs, or that I can only be safe if I avoid conflict.  And so I seethe with resentment, which can take on a life of it’s own.  We’re probably all familiar with the fall-out of resentment.  People who withdraw into numbing addictions, are depressed, have anger management problems, or are contemptuous or passive aggressive are often reacting from underlying resentment.

So what’s the alternative?  How can anger be recognized as a valid response and be channeled constructively?  If we consider the sequence that leads to resentment in our example, we see that feeling angry happens naturally to my belief that I can’t spend time with friends.  However, very quickly and maybe even outside my awareness, I step into being disempowered, whether from fear of my partner’s response, fear of my anger, or because I’ve been trained to shutdown.

Being able to recognize I’m angry is a first critical step.  Without that recognition I am truly disempowered.  The anger alerts me that there’s something not right that needs attention.  Many of us have been taught that anger is bad or scary and we avoid it at all costs.  If that’s my case, I may need help with learning to feel anger, building my tolerance for feeling it, and coming to know that I don’t have to be hijacked by it.  Then I can truly use it to inform my choices.

Next, the step into being disempowered is a pivotal point.  If, instead of going there reflexively, I recognize that I can effectively address situations that are hurtful or not supportive, I don’t need to feel resentful. I can use the energy mobilized by anger to make some changes.

In our example necessary changes might look like a couple of different things.  The first thing I may want to do is to examine my assumptions.  I may be angry because I believe certain things about my partner – he or she is controlling or clingy and doesn’t care about me, or that I don’t matter.  If upon examining I find those beliefs aren’t true, I may see the situation completely differently, in a way where I can have compassion or understanding for my partner rather than being angry.  Sometimes our beliefs create our own distress.

If my beliefs or assumptions aren’t the problem, I don’t have to hit another dead-end.  When I recognize that I can address the situation directly with my partner, that it’s okay for me to have needs that conflict with theirs, and that conflict is healthy, I can have a conversation with my partner. Channeling my anger constructively to have that conversation does not include blaming or attacking.  It is using the anger to recognize there’s a problem for me and to find the courage to talk about it. It’s about honoring my needs while acknowledging what is going on for my partner, and finding an arrangement that supports both of us. Again I may need help resolving things from my past experiences to get to a place where I’m able to have such a conversation.

So what about those times when my partner can’t or isn’t willing to agree to changes to support me?  I still don’t have to hit a dead-end.  My anger can still be channeled constructively so I don’t have to go into despair and/or resentment. One way for me to see possibilities is to ask myself “how can I be okay even though my partner or the situation won’t change?”  In response to that question I may find that I willingly choose to make my own sacrifices to support my partner.  This choice transforms resentment because it’s freely made.

However, the answer that arises to that question may be more difficult.  I may decide that I need to make changes even though the changes are not supported by my partner, or I may decide I need to move on from the relationship.  In these cases my anger channeled constructively will help me through the difficult, painful, or scary process.

As you can see, moving out of resentment can be a combination of addressing our own default responses that make us feel ineffective or disempowered and addressing the people and situations in our lives.  It is possible for each of us to work through our past experiences and to work with the people/situations so we can respond differently to those things we feel resentful about.  I have training and experience in working in targeted ways to help with making such changes.  If you’d like to explore transforming your resentments, and I can be of help, let me know.  You can reach me at 720-363-5538 or at www.hlcounseling.com