The most common goal I hear from couples seeking therapy is to improve
communications. Expressed in various ways, they say talking to one
another is ineffective and frustrating because they can't hear each other or
because they don't feel heard even though they believe they're hearing their
partner. When asked what good communication would look like, the
response is along the lines of "he/she would hear my perspective."
What partners are looking for is to be heard, validated, and respected.
Good communication is about more than one person being heard. It is
about being able to have a successful dialogue, about two people being able
to express and be understood, about both being able to be relational as
opposed to being individualistic. However, I believe the strong need
to be heard and acknowledged without consideration for the other is setup
from infancy. Mother/infant communication is one-sided because of the
baby's dependence on the mother. Ideally the infant communicates
feelings or needs, mom knows what's being communicated and mirrors the
feelings or takes care of the needs.
What so often happens with couples is indeed bad communication.
Ostensibly each person argues their perception of facts, e.g., what REALLY
happened, argues their beliefs, e.g., what SHOULD be or happen, or argues
feelings, e.g., what is felt vs what SHOULD(N'T) be felt. All this
happens under the guise of using logic on the other while each may be at a
fever pitch emotionally.
What is happening emotionally can be many things but frequently involves
some variation on the following emotions:
Frustration - the other person is not hearing, or they're saying something
they shouldn't be saying. They shouldn't feel what they do,
need/want what they do or, think what they do. Emotionally there is
an urgency to get the other person to change their wrong-headedness.
Anger - can escalate from frustration. It feels like our needs
aren't being met or we're not being accepted when the other person can't
accept our perception. It feels like the other person is putting
demands on us or rejects who we are when they're asking us to give up our
perception and accept theirs.
Depression - also can develop from frustration which leads to feeling
powerless, helpless, or hopeless leading in turn to withdrawal or
shutting-down.
These emotions promote responses that contribute to poor
communication. Partners end up saying hurtful things, trying to
control each other, or becoming distant and disconnected.
There are many communication protocols and skills that are taught as a way
to help these dynamics. In general they all teach how to listen, how
to speak, how to mirror/reflect back, how to make space for feelings
(don't deny, minimize, invalidate, etc.). Learning such skills can
provide powerfully helpful tools. One of my favorites that I
recommend most frequently is Marshall Rosenberg's
Nonviolent
Communications: A Language of Life.
However, more often than not, when couples seek help with communications,
learning communication skills is not enough. The reason they're not
enough is because using the skills requires them to be calm and able to
access thinking skills. When we are too emotionally charged, our
brains go into reactive mode. Being reactive limits our abilities
for rational thinking, good judgment, empathy, being relational - in other
words access to adult capabilities and perspectives.
Therefore, more important for good communication than learning so called
communication skills is being able to manage emotional reactivity. I
think of two important components to managing emotional reactivity.
First it can be learned as another type of skill:
Step one is recognizing our own emotional reactivity. This step is
about noticing when our reactions are intense, charged, or over-the-top,
and naming those reactions.
Step two is owning our own intense reactions. This step is about
accepting that extreme reactions are our own - they aren't because
someone else has caused them. Owning our intense reactions doesn't
mean that other people don't impact us in negative or hurtful
ways. It means that the charge we have is tied to our own
experiences, interpretations, feelings, and beliefs.
Step three is doing the work necessary to manage the intensity.
This step can in fact be adopted as a conscious choice to behave
differently, but in some case it requires healing from earlier
experiences. This healing is the second component, and may be
necessary for those reactions that have the biggest emotional charge or
intensity. Healing can happen in a variety of ways, which usually
include some form of making sense of and compassionately witnessing the
experiences.
Because good communication can't happen in the absence of being
grounded, managing emotional reactivity is paramount. It enables
being able to really listen and hear the other, and to speak without
being defensive or offensive. If you would like to explore
improving your communication through learning new protocols and skills
or through understanding and healing intense emotional reactions, I
would love to help. You can reach me at 720-363-5538 or through my
website:
www.hlcounseling.com
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